It is now February and there is three weeks worth of time remaining here in Jacksonville. The plan is to move to St. Louis somewhere during the middle of March into the L’Arche settlement. It seems like a year has passed since October. This soul must have planted special seeds into Florida’s warm soil. Hesitation in consideration of claiming such growth. Some things are too tough to learn until one is in the right circumstance. Community presents lots of situations from which to grow. Practice doesn’t make perfect when it comes to awareness. But it helps.
Understanding has come to me in layers. If my mind decides that something is pressing, I wasn’t looking hard enough. Or I was looking too hard. I start off with a box that I fit ‘em in. If the box is closed, oh how pressing it is that we alter the box! The box is open now. It’s going to be ok. And even if it’s not okay, it’s going to be okay. I’m breaking out of my self-made box sometimes. These identities are walls and maybe they’re important but putting in air holes will do the job.
Abstraction is code. Studying the language is a requisite for taking this course. Don’t worry; I intend to get better about putting my analogies in the vernacular.
I spent a lot of days in Cincinnati in late December. It became a space for reflection, discussion, and fun. I tinkered with the guitar more than usual and was excited to start putting chords and notes together. I saw great friends and spent many nights playing Clue with family. I love the infinite strategy involved in that game. I didn’t play video games. I won a lot of dollars playing poker with family at the Christmas Eve gathering. I had a conversation with my aunt about art (Does art imitate life or vice versa? What is art?), L’Arche, some things I’ve been learning. I snow skated with my sister on an old skate deck. I journaled less. I read a lot of Atlas Shrugged. I consumed. I walked around in new slippers that thanked me for crushing them between my feet and floor.
I have been considering the consequences of dualistic thinking. I just read the “In Eastern
Mysticism” section of the dualism Wikipedia page and I realize an interest in learning and living more Taoism. Everything seems to conclude in the important of relationship. Relationship with people, objects, places, feelings, thoughts, fears, joys, sorrows, land, everything. Awareness. These are just words I’m writing. It’s all symbols. I can’t name that which is nameless. I like the mystery in that.
Meet Them Where They’re At. I’m seeing the effectiveness in meeting people where they are at rather than making them meet me anywhere. I’m responsible for my feelings and my thoughts. Gotta do what you gotta do to make relationship and improve them with others whom you care to connect.
Here in Jacksonville, I’ve been losing my self-imposed status as a newb. I think I’m more integrated into the community and I feel like a part of the web. One of my goals coming back to Jacksonville after Christmas was that I wanted to kick ass at my assistant responsibilities. I decided that I accomplished this goal (of course, always room for improvement).
The way I’m writing makes me wish I had more skill in weaving the thanks I have for non-me elements that contributed to this entry I’m outputting, as well as everything else I create, act.
Each Core Member - I wish I’d spend more time on the details of my relationships with the core members in my house. This is where the life is. These abstract ideas I write about can get me excited, but the one-on-one time at the house produces lots of material for a dynamic verbal release of positive emotions. One reason I avoid updating about relationships is because I don’t want to risk breaking confidentiality rules. I don’t want to bother being so watchful about what I write. I do want to announce the gifts of people with intellectual disabilities though. I want to show people the gifts, but I think reading about it is not as effective as I would like. I’m not much for writing out stories, which would be a very effective way to portray the relationships I’m building. If you get the chance, ask me about the relationships: the joys and the challenges.
Bullets
· Adya Ashanti and Eckhart: I read a couple articles that Eric gave to me, both of which related to what is involved in enlightenment. These are lines I highlighted: “All appearances simply arise as temporary manifestations of a unified whole. In the relative world these appearances are in relationship, but not as separate entities. Rather, they are the play of the one Self projecting itself as apparent entities in relationship to one another. As long as you identify yourself with the projection of separateness, you will continue to deny that you are the Source of all projections…To realize that the personal me is an illusion born of false identification with the body, thoughts, and emotions brings a profound sense of freedom…It is in reality the birth of true love, a love which is free of all boundaries and fear. When there are no clear separating boundaries and nothing to gain the ego becomes disinterested, angry, or frightened. ” So this perspective has been helpful and liberating, though I only think I’m touching the surface in my internalizing of it.
Eckhart’s article explores the idea described by Ashanti. One idea I like is his critique of the use of the word God. That use of the word causes a mental image which immediately takes away from the significance of the word in its infinite invisibility. He then goes on talking about how identification with your mind and thoughts keeps us from feeling the oneness with all that is. This got me debating about how much my mind uses me verses me using it. I realize I let my mind use me all the time, especially when I don’t want it too! I worry far more than I deem healthy for myself. Becoming present eases the thinking, but what a road I have to traverse to disidentify with my mind.
· Books: Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand, Everything Belongs by Richard Rohr, The Assertive Option by Arthur Lange, In Good Company by Fr. James Martin SJ, Path to Awareness by David Keel
· Joan Mahler: The National L’Arche Coordinator visited Harbor House and I had the chance to talk to her for a while. I was inspired by her warm and open spirit. She answered my questions about L’Arche and herself. The reasons L’Arche USA buys into the International Federation are less about resources and mostly psychological, which I’m happy to comprehend. I learned about McKinsey & Co. Consulting which sounds like a group I’d want to be a part of later in my life.
· I went to Golden Corral twice for a couple birthdays in Nouwen House. Golden Corral has plenty of veggie friendly options. Another birthday brought me to Dave and Busters which was a blast. It’s nice to get out into public night-life once in a while…
· After trying the straight vegetarian thing for a few months, I decided to start eating fish products. I ate at a great seafood place with Mollie and Sarah called Singleton’s. We then took a ferry and adventured around this river.
· Change rooms: I changed rooms midway through my time here. I like to switch rooms or the interior of my bedroom to match what I consider bigger transitions going on. The room is bigger and warmer at night.
· Being in L’Arche, I am something of a minority as an introverted thinker (INTJ). Everyone here tested as a feeling type on the Myers Briggs. I find refuge in an INTJ forum online, where people talk about their behaviors and I relate.
· Mewithoutyou, the band, continues to reverberate in the pool of songs I’ve been listening to.
· Lotfi: Lotfi and Leah started at L’Arche here. As a result, I discontinued the thought that I was the newbie here. I feel like part of the gang here, and this in turn caused me to sense attachment to the relationships I’ve formed here.
· Joe Besl: My friend Joe has been riding around the country in the Oscar Meyer Weiner mobile and I connected him with friends in Portland and Eugene. I was happy to reconnect with Joe and give him some entertainment options out in Oregon.
· SOTU: Watched the State of the Union and continue to read about politics. My yearning for dialogue about politics is never-ending and enjoyable.
· Jewish Temple: I went to a synagogue (Reform) for the first time. Mollie, Sarah, and I attended a chapel session on a Saturday morning. I really enjoyed it. I liked trying to read Hebrew aloud with everyone else. I was surprised by how similar to any Christian church service it was.
· First Thursday (first one): On the First Thursday of every month (well, not the past few months…) there is community gathering for everyone connected to L’Arche here. It was a nice service and we focused on solidarity with the troubled L’Arche communities in Egypt, Ivory Coast, and Haiti.
· Pine Castle: I visited the Seniors program at Pine Castle and it was nice to see another workshop. There was a computer, couches, tables, lots of art materials, and a television. I liked the easygoingness of the place. It was awesome to hear that one of our Nouwen House members likes to go outside and connect with everyone else on the campus. He knows everyone and gives lots of hugs. What a charmer.
· This bullet is reserved for all those people and events I didn’t write about but truly affected me and changed me for the better or for the worse.
Thank you.
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