No One Said This Would Be Easy

Hello readers! It’s been a while and I thought I’d update this blog even though I do not plan to make up for months gone by without entries.

My experience as part of the L’Arche community in St. Louis has been full. I think I could write a book about each of the 5 people with whom I live. Kim, Pauline, Damon, Janet, and Agnes. Amy has come on as a live out assistant as well.

L’Arche is a magical place, with a lot of mystery. It’s hard to articulate how exactly God weaves in and out of all our relationships, but none of us has the bigger picture of what’s growing in our connections.

I sit here with Pauline at the Turner Center for the Arts, an art studio very close to our home. She says we’re having fun. She’s using watercolors to surround her double rainbow with a dark orange sunset. I’m reminded of why orange is my favorite color. We both really like this place as we hear others scribble and see them staring down. The music backgrounds our focus on our works.

Earlier this morning, I fell to my knees and I said to Kim, “I have a fever, and the only prescription is a Kim hug.” She immediately threw her arms around me and said, “I love you Justin.” Though this positive interaction may not have lasted long, I found myself more nourished and relaxed.

Here at L’Arche I am stretched beyond what I am used to. I am forced to recognize everyday that I will never be perfect. I will never have control over everything. In this lifetime, I will never be able to see the big picture. It’s too much, and so I remain in the mystery of it all, hoping that I contribute to the light and love of the world.

Some other things have changed since June. As I mentioned, Agnes, Pauline, and Amy have joined us. Heather, Sr. Maria, and Marie departed for the next stages of their lives. People have come from the Dept. of Mental Health to help us track and document what needs tracking and documenting. We are starting to welcome volunteers here and there for meals and time with core members. We have divied up various responsibilities. I am proud to play the role of house fire marshal, schedule-maker, and volunteer coordinator. Or at least, I try to fulfill the responsibilities of these positions.

There are many struggles and poverties for our home, as I expect there to be. I love that I have been able to accept more and more the reality that community strives towards certain ideals, and is sometimes able to temporarily realize them, but ultimately that perfection is never within our reach. Sometimes I feel pressure to say things are “going well” at the house, when frankly, they aren’t always. And why should they be? If you asked a woman in labor how she was doing, what kinds of answers would you expect? In the home, we are committed to giving birth to a new community. St. Louis has been pregnant for several years with a L’Arche community and the way I see it, the birthing process is still underway. I don’t mean to suggest that I am a mother or doula. I am a student. I am a participant. I am along for the ride. All of us are journeying together, through serious times and playful ones, through tough times and relaxed ones. Please pray for L’Arche St. Louis as we strive towards shining as a sign of hope in this world.

Welcome Aboard!: We Live, We Grow, We Gather Together

L’Arche St. Louis is underway! We have welcome our first core member, Kim, and her entry is a prize for us all. It’s been a bit over a week, and her presence in the community adds to our life-giving energy. I’ve had the opportunity to spend lots of time with Kim, and I’m so excited by her humor and interests, like her singing. When she carries a tune, my body melts a little. I notice I sit a little more peacefully in my chair as she sings from her repertoire of songs. I adire her willingness to share that joy of singing and to express emotions. She listens to her body and goes to bed even though the fun is still going on. I find myself ignoring wha tmy body tells me, so maybe being around Kim will help me make healthy changes for myself. We’ll see.

Sam Wilson, former board member and current regent in the Jesuits, has been visiting for a few days and that’s been a benefit for the house, and especially for me as Sam has been a reliable mentor/friend for me in the past several years. He also adds a positive energy to the house, due partially for his sweet blues guitar playing. I find myself liking Johnny Cash more and more.

We have a core member lined up to move in to L’Arche here in just a few weeks, if all goes to plan. Welcoming more core members is something I look forward to more now than ever. We plan to have a few opening type events, but a primary one will be in mid August (the 14th?) put on by us and the Maplewood Chamber of Commerce. The ribbon cutting and all. Ideas are becoming realities everyday.

Oh my Gosh! I Almost forgot to mention the Memphis Regional Gathering! St. Louis arrived without core members, but still realy for fun with the rest of the Central Region communities (Mobile, Chicago, Clinton, Jacksonville, Kansas City, Atlanta). There was lots of dancing, talent, singing, field trips (Graceland, Sun Studio, Wellness Center, Dixon Gallery and Gardens) and good meals. I really lose it around chocolate milk on tap. I tried to meet people from all the communities and I was really satisfied with the quality of people I encountered. And seeing my Jacksonville friends was a scrumptious treat.

Thanks for your support, everyone.

Building Foundations, Calling This Home.

So, the story continues. I have inhabited the L’Arche home for a few weeks now, along with Damon, Janet, Marie, and Maria. Damon is another founding assistant. Janet is the community leader. Marie is a summer intern/student from France, here to help with administrative tasks. Maria is the house grandmother for a couple months, having helped start and lead a number of L’Arche communities. All of us and often Heather, a live out assistant for now, share several dinners and prayer times a week.

We have been preparing to welcome Kim and Wayne into this L’Arche community and dates are becoming solidified. I am so happy to say that I have been able to meet on several occasions with our founding core members and am feeling more comfortable around them. It’s nice for me to get to know who it is I am going to be living with! I imagine it’s nice for most people.

Part of the preparation has also included trainings, connecting with nearby churches, cleaning, moving things around, and a diversity of household to-dos. So much of the work needed to be done is in fact done by friends in the greater St. Louis L’Arche community. I feel called now to make it clear that the St. Louis L’Arche community extends far beyond the 5 people currently living in the house, and even beyond the incoming core members. It’s kind of like we’re a big pomegranate, and the household members are seeds near the middle of the fruit. We all make different contributions, we all satisfy different roles. We are all tasty. And the web of white skin inside is the collection of bonds between all of us “separate” entities. Yessss.

At the house, we try to stay conscious (thanks to Maria) of the reality that we are building a foundation every day. The genetic makeup of the seeds we sow here will show up as phenotypes as the future becomes the present. I feel responsible with the others for bringing loving traditions into this home. It’s a relief to remind myself that we will never become a perfect community. And conflict is an opportunity for growth if we have openness.

In other news, Maplewood is growing and thriving and being developed. Our location near the downtown makes it easier for us to integrate into the town here. I am very excited about the prospects of this! Personally, I’m loving the library, 2 cool coffee shops, one of which has an open mic night, restaurants, bars, and connecting with the churches.

For several days, an exploratory retreat occurred in St. Louis for newer L’Arche assistants around the country. This was a time of making relationships, reflecting, creating, reading, getting inspired by the lives of the saints, and allowing myself to be vulnerable. I thank everyone who was involved in making it as excellent a time as it was for me.

In just a few days, we embark for the L’Arche Central Region Gathering in Memphis which will include almost everyone (core members, assistants, admin, friends) from the Chicago, KC, Jacksonville, Mobile, Clinton IA, and STL and ATL communities. It seems to me like it will be a big vacation/party. A gathering with all our communities together has not happened for years.

Of course, this is a limited update, and I’ll be reflecting soon on how I want to continue with this blog in terms of what I will include in it (personal events and musings? Only STL L’Arche updates? Share more or less?). If you have any feedback or advice on the issue, I’m open to it. I often feel guilty for not including the names of all the people who have contributed to my welfare in recent times. So “Thanks.” Know I am nothing without the gifts/love of you/others. Whether you gave me a hug yesterday or did anything with love at all to anyone or anything, I want to say thanks.

Departing from the Harbor, Sailing with the Claver, Approaching the Home

Hello there, and welcome back.

So I have spent many hours compiling bullets for a mondo huge entry. And I’m afraid it’s no longer going to be posted. I’m going to condense like crazy to ensure that I include some of the journey in the last few months.

I finished my time in Jacksonville with some constructive one-on-ones and further heartfelt goodbyes. Journeying to each house with some of the Nouwen house crew to close out my time was a night I ponder followed by a rich feeling of significance.

To name a few elements of the end of the JAX L’Arche journey: Regularly attending St. Matthew’s Lutheran Church with a couple friends from Nouwen, the final dance where I was treated to “I Swear” by loving friends, overcoming grudges (my own and others’), going through a meaningful evaluation meeting, planning morning prayers that focus on the abilities of the core members like touch and the other senses, the deaths of loved ones in the L’Arche community, song mashup duets with Mollie, being treated to another scavenger hunt and moving letters. At the Anniversary celebration, I was affected by the loving words and hugs shared. It’s hard for me to feel worthy of the love I received. It’s funny, because I worry about mentioning names on here for fear of excluding unmentioned people that have impacted me. There are so many names that I would have to devote hours to recognize them all. I am overjoyed at the realization that that is such a blessing of a concern. No number of thanks is enough to all those who surround me and continue surrounding me, securing me in what I can comfortably call the love of God.

For the last 2 months, I have been living in an intentional community called Claver House in North St. Louis. The people here are students, volunteers, nonprofit workers who eat meals together, check in with each other, play together, and host alternative Spring Break college groups (at least while I was there). They really welcomed me despite my extended stay and I find that a certain closure is needed as I end my blast of a time here and start waking up to L’Arche house mornings. Because tonight is the last night I’ll be sleeping here at Claver House. And I’m going to miss living here after sharing a room with my great friend Jim. It’s going to mean lonelier nights and I hope to get through that.

What do I say about L’Arche St. Louis that I can fit in an entry that doesn’t lead to the bottom of this page? We had a bomb group of Holy Cross kids help paint during spring break, Janet’s been working non stop to keep everything rolling. Heather came back and she’s contributing her skills to our efforts. Damon is an all star as he continues helping with the house and moving into his room. In Nick I gained something of an apprenticeship in painting. In John, I gained some knowledge on phone and internet connection for the house. We had a L’Arche Day of Reflection where I really discovered the love waiting for me in the hearts of the various board members, volunteers lending their hands and expertise, and everyone else that the grasp of this L’Arche community has reached. I’ve really come to see that L’Arche is not so much a house with core members and assistants, but a way of living out community in a way that supports, loves, and forgives one another. I am but a small piece of this St. Louis L’Arche puzzle. We all seem to need the gifts and balance brought by others. Can you imagine if I were responsible for the contract work on the house, for managing the email list, or for all the interactions with people involved in granting us licenses, permissions, and what have you? I don’t even like to use the phone. There are so many volunteers helping out in so many ways so that this L’Arche house can become a reality in less than 30 years. It’s been about 7 years since meetings about L’Arche in this city got started, and I’m glad we’ve had this time to prepare and grow a community before the home has even opened to core members.

I want to speak on more, but I’m already wishing this entry was smaller. So from now on, I’ll make it a goal to post up more frequently and with less content. We’ll see how it goes. Thanks to everyone for reading this. I do it in an attempt to explain a little of what’s going on in L’Arche and how I relate to it. I don’t include too many details, but I hope it’s enough for you to understand me better.

Amen.

Improving Grades: X-Mas Break and Turning Tides

It is now February and there is three weeks worth of time remaining here in Jacksonville. The plan is to move to St. Louis somewhere during the middle of March into the L’Arche settlement. It seems like a year has passed since October. This soul must have planted special seeds into Florida’s warm soil. Hesitation in consideration of claiming such growth. Some things are too tough to learn until one is in the right circumstance. Community presents lots of situations from which to grow. Practice doesn’t make perfect when it comes to awareness. But it helps.

Understanding has come to me in layers. If my mind decides that something is pressing, I wasn’t looking hard enough. Or I was looking too hard. I start off with a box that I fit ‘em in. If the box is closed, oh how pressing it is that we alter the box! The box is open now. It’s going to be ok. And even if it’s not okay, it’s going to be okay. I’m breaking out of my self-made box sometimes. These identities are walls and maybe they’re important but putting in air holes will do the job.

Abstraction is code. Studying the language is a requisite for taking this course. Don’t worry; I intend to get better about putting my analogies in the vernacular.

I spent a lot of days in Cincinnati in late December. It became a space for reflection, discussion, and fun. I tinkered with the guitar more than usual and was excited to start putting chords and notes together. I saw great friends and spent many nights playing Clue with family. I love the infinite strategy involved in that game. I didn’t play video games. I won a lot of dollars playing poker with family at the Christmas Eve gathering. I had a conversation with my aunt about art (Does art imitate life or vice versa? What is art?), L’Arche, some things I’ve been learning. I snow skated with my sister on an old skate deck. I journaled less. I read a lot of Atlas Shrugged. I consumed. I walked around in new slippers that thanked me for crushing them between my feet and floor.

I have been considering the consequences of dualistic thinking. I just read the “In Eastern

Mysticism” section of the dualism Wikipedia page and I realize an interest in learning and living more Taoism. Everything seems to conclude in the important of relationship. Relationship with people, objects, places, feelings, thoughts, fears, joys, sorrows, land, everything. Awareness. These are just words I’m writing. It’s all symbols. I can’t name that which is nameless. I like the mystery in that.

Meet Them Where They’re At. I’m seeing the effectiveness in meeting people where they are at rather than making them meet me anywhere. I’m responsible for my feelings and my thoughts. Gotta do what you gotta do to make relationship and improve them with others whom you care to connect.

Here in Jacksonville, I’ve been losing my self-imposed status as a newb. I think I’m more integrated into the community and I feel like a part of the web. One of my goals coming back to Jacksonville after Christmas was that I wanted to kick ass at my assistant responsibilities. I decided that I accomplished this goal (of course, always room for improvement).

The way I’m writing makes me wish I had more skill in weaving the thanks I have for non-me elements that contributed to this entry I’m outputting, as well as everything else I create, act.

Each Core Member - I wish I’d spend more time on the details of my relationships with the core members in my house. This is where the life is. These abstract ideas I write about can get me excited, but the one-on-one time at the house produces lots of material for a dynamic verbal release of positive emotions. One reason I avoid updating about relationships is because I don’t want to risk breaking confidentiality rules. I don’t want to bother being so watchful about what I write. I do want to announce the gifts of people with intellectual disabilities though. I want to show people the gifts, but I think reading about it is not as effective as I would like. I’m not much for writing out stories, which would be a very effective way to portray the relationships I’m building. If you get the chance, ask me about the relationships: the joys and the challenges.

Bullets

· Adya Ashanti and Eckhart: I read a couple articles that Eric gave to me, both of which related to what is involved in enlightenment. These are lines I highlighted: “All appearances simply arise as temporary manifestations of a unified whole. In the relative world these appearances are in relationship, but not as separate entities. Rather, they are the play of the one Self projecting itself as apparent entities in relationship to one another. As long as you identify yourself with the projection of separateness, you will continue to deny that you are the Source of all projections…To realize that the personal me is an illusion born of false identification with the body, thoughts, and emotions brings a profound sense of freedom…It is in reality the birth of true love, a love which is free of all boundaries and fear. When there are no clear separating boundaries and nothing to gain the ego becomes disinterested, angry, or frightened. ” So this perspective has been helpful and liberating, though I only think I’m touching the surface in my internalizing of it.

Eckhart’s article explores the idea described by Ashanti. One idea I like is his critique of the use of the word God. That use of the word causes a mental image which immediately takes away from the significance of the word in its infinite invisibility. He then goes on talking about how identification with your mind and thoughts keeps us from feeling the oneness with all that is. This got me debating about how much my mind uses me verses me using it. I realize I let my mind use me all the time, especially when I don’t want it too! I worry far more than I deem healthy for myself. Becoming present eases the thinking, but what a road I have to traverse to disidentify with my mind.

· Books: Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand, Everything Belongs by Richard Rohr, The Assertive Option by Arthur Lange, In Good Company by Fr. James Martin SJ, Path to Awareness by David Keel

· Joan Mahler: The National L’Arche Coordinator visited Harbor House and I had the chance to talk to her for a while. I was inspired by her warm and open spirit. She answered my questions about L’Arche and herself. The reasons L’Arche USA buys into the International Federation are less about resources and mostly psychological, which I’m happy to comprehend. I learned about McKinsey & Co. Consulting which sounds like a group I’d want to be a part of later in my life.

· I went to Golden Corral twice for a couple birthdays in Nouwen House. Golden Corral has plenty of veggie friendly options. Another birthday brought me to Dave and Busters which was a blast. It’s nice to get out into public night-life once in a while…

· After trying the straight vegetarian thing for a few months, I decided to start eating fish products. I ate at a great seafood place with Mollie and Sarah called Singleton’s. We then took a ferry and adventured around this river.

· Change rooms: I changed rooms midway through my time here. I like to switch rooms or the interior of my bedroom to match what I consider bigger transitions going on. The room is bigger and warmer at night.

· Being in L’Arche, I am something of a minority as an introverted thinker (INTJ). Everyone here tested as a feeling type on the Myers Briggs. I find refuge in an INTJ forum online, where people talk about their behaviors and I relate.

· Mewithoutyou, the band, continues to reverberate in the pool of songs I’ve been listening to.

· Lotfi: Lotfi and Leah started at L’Arche here. As a result, I discontinued the thought that I was the newbie here. I feel like part of the gang here, and this in turn caused me to sense attachment to the relationships I’ve formed here.

· Joe Besl: My friend Joe has been riding around the country in the Oscar Meyer Weiner mobile and I connected him with friends in Portland and Eugene. I was happy to reconnect with Joe and give him some entertainment options out in Oregon.

· SOTU: Watched the State of the Union and continue to read about politics. My yearning for dialogue about politics is never-ending and enjoyable.

· Jewish Temple: I went to a synagogue (Reform) for the first time. Mollie, Sarah, and I attended a chapel session on a Saturday morning. I really enjoyed it. I liked trying to read Hebrew aloud with everyone else. I was surprised by how similar to any Christian church service it was.

· First Thursday (first one): On the First Thursday of every month (well, not the past few months…) there is community gathering for everyone connected to L’Arche here. It was a nice service and we focused on solidarity with the troubled L’Arche communities in Egypt, Ivory Coast, and Haiti.

· Pine Castle: I visited the Seniors program at Pine Castle and it was nice to see another workshop. There was a computer, couches, tables, lots of art materials, and a television. I liked the easygoingness of the place. It was awesome to hear that one of our Nouwen House members likes to go outside and connect with everyone else on the campus. He knows everyone and gives lots of hugs. What a charmer.

· This bullet is reserved for all those people and events I didn’t write about but truly affected me and changed me for the better or for the worse.

Thank you.